Tenaciously TTCRelentlessly pursuing the dream of building our family

24 weeks. That’s viability, people! As milestones go, it’s a pretty damn big one.

I’m not going to go on and on because in my last pregnancy, I hollered about feeling safe at 12 weeks…and the next day my missed miscarriage was discovered. Superstitious much? Yes.

But odds are 50% in our favor now, and that is no small thing. Every day that goes by, those odds improve. Thank goodness!

The other night I was watching Letterman, and Christina Applegate was on. Not sure if it was a rerun or not (he took a long vacation this summer), or if it even matters, but she was on and she was in early pregnancy. She mentioned that she’s been rather “filter-free” during the pregnancy, and you know what? I think that’s a good description for me these days.

I’m not crying all the time, and really, I’m not particularly hostile (seriously, PB would agree, and not because he is afraid for his life). I’ve always been a very passionate and intense person and have very definite opinions about most things. However, I’m also sensitive to how people have historically perceived my passion, and happen to be very sensitive to strong opinions from others, so I try and keep my mouth shut about things that may provoke undesired conflict. I don’t like to discuss money or religion or the long list of things that I find to be wrong with the world. Not unless I think I can do so without causing any strife.

The point of my saying all this is that, well, I think that’s one of the reasons I haven’t been writing as much (first still being, I feel like crap most days). It’s becoming much more challenging for me to express things…delicately. And I’ve read other blogs where they said what they felt without filter…and I don’t read them anymore. Because they pissed me off one too many times. And when it comes to all things IF, pregnancy, and child-rearing related? People are especially sensitive and have especially strong feelings. And I’m not here to alienate anyone. So sometimes I have a post in my mind and I just don’t write it. Because someone is bound to get pissed off no matter how I say it.

All that said, I’m going to take a little risk here, and talk about something that is important to me, and hope that I’m able to phrase it in a way that doesn’t alienate anyone, and that if I misstep in expressing myself, a little forgiveness will be given because my intentions are all good.

So here it goes…

Last night we went to our Moms of Multiples class and it was part 1 of 2 about breastfeeding and feeding choices. Really, it was mostly about breastfeeding. Which really surprised me.

I haven’t been shy about the fact that being able to breastfeed is really, really important to me. And a lot of people have come back and said that I shouldn’t put so much pressure on myself. Breastfeeding is hard with one baby. I’m having three babies. A lot of multiples moms don’t. I should give myself a break.

I think a lot of mothers of singletons feel very pressured to breastfeed. Then no one tells them how hard it can be, and they feel guilty about pumping and supplementing or going straight to formula. I think they often don’t feel supported in the decision to not breastfeed, and they really want to relieve other mothers of the guilt or frustration they might have felt.

When you’re having multiples, at least in my experience so far, every time I bring it up, I sort of feel a lack of support in my choice or desire to breastfeed. People take it for granted that, because you’re having multiples, you won’t or that you can’t. To date I only know of one person, IRL or on forums or in the blogosphere, who has tried and succeeded. It doesn’t instill a strong sense of hopefulness that I can succeed.

So I walked into this class, specifically for moms of multiples, and expected a) to be the only mom in there who was planning on trying and b) because of that, and the fact that it’s the norm amongst multiples moms to not breastfeed, the class would be geared more towards pumping and supplementing. I was dead on about my first expectation, but dead wrong about the second.

When I walked out of the class last night, I was excited for the next one, and felt much more supported and assured of success. The presenting lactation consultant didn’t push breastfeeding. She didn’t stand up there and even moderately imply that if you don’t you’re a loser. There was no pressure. But the primary focus was breastfeeding multiples, and the ways to succeed at doing so. It made it all seem…not just possible…but realistic. And I felt less like a freak. I didn’t walk away feeling disenchanted as I expected. Instead I feel empowered.

Because I’m sitting on the other side of the fence, I’m not sure how the other mom’s felt about it. They were all twin moms-to-be, and several of them were very clear about the fact that they didn’t plan to breastfeed. So, I guess that still makes me the odd woman out. And maybe because of that, they were frustrated. Maybe they expected to hear what I expected to hear, and they were disappointed. If that’s the case, I do understand and I feel bad that they didn’t get what they wanted out of it.

But selfishly, I’m glad that I did. It was nice to hear from a professional that I could do it, that it was worth it to do it, instead of automatically being given a “free pass” to not even bother because I’d fail anyway.

Next week’s class is about the difficulties and complications and how to overcome them (and more details about options when you can’t), so don’t think for one second that I’m blanketly saying that I fail to understand all the potential circumstances.

What I am saying is that it was a huge relief to be supported on this subject. Just this once to not hear that, because I’m going to have more on my plate, I should expect less of myself.

I’ll have more to say about it after next week’s class, I’m sure.

And even more to say about it after the babies are born and I’m in the midst of it.

In the meantime? It’s really nice not to have my bubble burst.

I’ve only got 12 Ambien left, and I’m not sure they’ll let me have anymore given that they did not include a refill in the original prescription. Since I’ve gotten them, most nights one has done the trick, but there have been a few nights where two were required (each being a half of normal dosage, so no worries). Last night was one of those nights, only this time even two didn’t work, but did make me feel quite funny. Given these facts, I opted to try and go without tonight.

Such an experiment sounds totally doable at 11pm. When 2am rolls around? Not so much. Not sure how many more hours I’ll let it go before I give in.

It’s such a strange thing to be so tired and not be able to sleep. I can hardly imagine being ravenous and having access to whatever food suits my fancy, but not being able to eat. Not sure that’s a fair comparison, but it’s what comes to mind at 2am.

It doesn’t help that at least one baby (I believe it’s Baby A) is a night owl whose favorite nighttime activity appears to be dancing the jig on my bladder/cervix. It’s absolutely lovely to feel them moving around, but quite another thing to feel as though you’re about to piss yourself when, in fact, your bladder is empty.

Why do I suspect it’s Baby A? Well, position of course. Naturally I can’t say for certain that they are in the same position today as they were a week ago, but it does feel as though that’s the case. Baby A was footling breech, Baby B was head down, and Baby C was still transverse and facing downward. So, it seems likely that Baby A is the culprit.

Funny because earlier on, I would have said he was going to be the quiet one in the bunch. Always hiding himself during ultrasounds, as if he wanted to stay out of the spotlight. Now he seems a bit more rambunctious. Little girl, however, is the most active of the bunch, and always seems to know when the “camera” is on. She finds a way to be in her brother’s pictures as well as her own, consistently having her butt or hand in one of their faces. In terms of kicking, it’s a toss up if it’s her or Baby C or both. Definitely will be interesting to see what their personalities are like.

Speaking of kicks, PB finally got to feel his first one, and wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. In the past two weeks, he’s gotten the first kick experience, and been able to feel a body part (head or butt, I’m not quite sure). I think he found it quite odd. Exciting, but a little hard to comprehend. I’m finding his reactions to everything rather amusing.

As for me, I’ve recently added indigestion to the list of symptoms. These days I feel like I spend entirely too much time in the bathroom reacting to the urge to do something that rarely actually occurs. But I’m not complaining because things could be worse…like a bedpan. No. Thank. You.

And tomorrow we have the first of two multiples breastfeeding classes. Then we’re actually done with the full cycle of courses. I can’t believe how close we are to these babies being here. I know I keep saying it, but it really seems less and less fathomable the closer we get.

This will be short and sweet as I’m not having the best day today (somebody call the waaaah-mbulance!), but I’ve been thinking for the past few days that I should consider something positive. Today, I’m going with symptoms and complications I haven’t had.

1. Gestational diabetes (so far so good)

2. High blood pressure

3. Edema or swelling of any kind (I can still wear my wedding set, no problem)

4. Hormonally intolerable hagginess (even my husband says I’ve been doing really well, especially considering the rough parts)

5. Pre-term labor (haven’t had one trip to L&D yet; knock on wood!)

6. Stretch marks (still expecting them, but so far, so good)

7. Mask of pregnancy

8. UTI’s or any kind of irritation or infection

9. Incompetent cervix

10. Shortening cervix (well, it’s still holding at 3.89 with no funneling so, for 23w2d with triplets, couldn’t ask for much more)

11. Intrauterine Growth Restriction (still plenty of time for this, but so far my babies are plump and healthy)

12. TTTS (because my babies are fraternal, I don’t have to worry about this at all! Nice!)

I’m sure there’s more, but it’s what I can think of at the moment. I may be miserable most days, but it could be worse. A lot worse. And I’m thankful.

Since Tuesday night, I’ve been getting headaches every day. I’m not freaked from a symptom perspective because a) there are no other changes and b) I had my peri appointment on Tuesday so I know that my urine is protein free and my blood pressure is great (so no pre-eclampsia or anything like that). But 4 days in a row of headaches (that come and go) on top of everything else…I kinda felt like, can’t a girl get a break?

As I’m sure you remember, I’m allergic to Tylenol. Like, breaking out in hives allergic. Which is rare. And rather inconvenient given it’s the one thing you can take during pregnancy for pain and discomfort and not have to worry about it. I’ve been using cold compresses (ummm, fancy stuff – wet washcloth, stick in freezer for 5 minutes, apply), but it isn’t enough. So, I called the doc to see a) if I should be worried and b) if I had other options.

Two things I learned from that call. The first is, ibuprofen is ok in moderation if you can’t suffer it anymore. She said I could start by taking one. Maybe it would at least take the edge off  so it would be more bearable. But, it’s ok to do two if it’s only once a day, and doesn’t become an every day thing. In fact, she told me that it is very commonly used to stave off pre-term labor. Who knew?

Using ibuprofen during pregnancy presents two potential risks: the ductus, a valve in the heart that is only present in utero and closes immediately upon birth, could close before birth (very bad news) and the 2nd risk is ibuprofen has been shown to reduce amniotic fluid levels. Both sound super-scary so I pressed her about it and she said it would take a lot of ibuprofen used over extended periods of time for there to be any risk of damage, and that, again, they use it frequently for pre-term labor with ill effects being very rare.

Still remaining on the 1st point (but sort of diverging into a tangent), that information made me think about all the things I thought were big no no’s in pregnancy that my triplet team (docs, dietitian, etc.) have sort of dispelled. Like the fact that it’s ok to eat hot dogs, as long as they are heated up. That it’s ok to eat cold deli meats, as long as they’ve been heated to steaming prior to use (my dietitian said you could do that when you first open the package, one time, refrigerate, and use as you normally would). That it’s perfectly fine to take warm baths to your heart’s content, so long as the water isn’t so hot you feel the need to get out or that any body parts turn pink, and my doc, in fact, recommended it as a way of alleviating all of my hip and joint paint. Of course, every doctor or clinic has their own philosophy, but it’s funny how some hard and fast rules aren’t really so hard and fast, depending on who is providing your care.

The 2nd thing I learned is that, they really have no idea what to do for me for post-surgery pain management. Nearly every narcotic used for pain management after major surgery contains acetaminophen (Tylenol). I mentioned that after my egg retrieval they gave me Darvon in lieu of Vicodin or Tylenol 3, and she said we could try that, but it’s unlikely it would successfully control my pain. I’m sure they’ll find something, and she did say they’d keep researching, but it’s rather unsettling to think that in a matter of months, they are going to gut me like a fish and there may not be much they can do to alleviate the pain afterwards.

But at least I can take a little ibuprofen for my headaches. And that’s something.

The other night, PB and I watched an episode of What Would You Do? on ABC. I’ve seen it a couple of times, but none struck either of us quite like this one.

If you aren’t familiar with the show, they basically set up social experiments, create situations using actors, and hide cameras to film how people react. However, not at all like that old show Candid Camera because the situations are serious ones. People being beat up because they are Hispanic. A young girl being forced into polygamy. No joke, any of it.

On this particular episode, a couple of the experiments had to do with children and animals. In one experiment, they put a realistic baby in an unattended car, parked in the hot sun. Most people didn’t notice at first. So then they had the baby cry. People noticed. A few called the police (who didn’t respond because they were in on the experiment). A few stood outside and waited to confront the “mother” (an actress) when she returned. Only one person tried to open the door (an off-duty police officer, by the way). No one tried to break the baby out. Most people did nothing at all, just walked away shaking their heads, shocked but unwilling to get involved.

They did a similar experiment with a dog. It was a real dog and his owner/trainer was lying in the bottom of the car under a blanket. They had air conditioning pumping in from a generator unit in the trunk, but of course, no one from outside the car could know that. The results were essentially the same as the experiment with the baby. A few people got involved, most people shamefully walked away.

And then there was the one with the lost child. They had a child actor stand on a busy street looking lost. For hours. They used two boys and two girls, different races. Obviously not at the same time. No one stopped. Not one person. So then they had them cry. And very few people reacted. People noticed them, they just didn’t stop to offer any help. Finally they had the child(ren) actually ask for help. The results were still pathetic. The experiment went on for 2 days, and in the end (my stats may be off by +-5), 1700 people walked by those children, and only 47 people stopped to help them. That’s less than 3%.

Does that shock you as much as it does me? It’s a small sampling, and I’m generally the first to dismiss a study that doesn’t include thousands upon thousands of people (and studies of that size are rare) because I’m not sure random sampling from a small population is always fairly representative. But cases like this, they mean something. What they mean is the question. Is that one town just full of horrible and negligent people who are too self-interested to risk themselves for a helpless child or is it truly a fair sampling of how the average person in Anytown, U.S.A would react when faced with the same situation? They’d rather let a baby bake to death in a car or leave a child vulnerable to be kidnapped than get involved?

What it says to me is that, sadly, if something happened, if your child got separated from you, you would be unwise to be hopeful that someone would help them. The world is unsafe not just because of those who seek to do harm, but also because of those who are too cowardly to get involved. For every baby that has died of hyperthermia in a car, for every child that has gone missing, there has been one person or persons who are directly responsible, but there are likely hundreds who let it happen. It’s disgusting. It’s depressing. And even for a self-proclaimed cynic like myself, it’s shocking.

Maybe people don’t know what to do in that sort of situation, but I think the only wrong answer is doing nothing. There are some who think it’s none of their business, but I think protecting children and animals, preserving lives, is all of our business. So what if you end up in a confrontation with the offender? If you’re scared, run into the nearest store to get some other strangers involved~there is strength in numbers and it can mitigate any fears you have for your own safety. But before you do anything, call the police. Give them every possible detail. Ask them when they will arrive and what you should do in the meantime. If you’re worried they won’t get there in time, let them know you plan to bash in a window (furthest away from the baby or animal obviously) to save the baby or animal. Do something.

I’ve been thinking about this for days. I cried through the whole show. Maybe because I’m pregnant. Maybe because I have a child. I’d like to think it’s just because I’m human, but the results of these experiments seem to indicate otherwise. And that makes me cry all the more.

We had a growth scan yesterday, at 22w4d, and all is well. Baby’s A & B are both 1lb2oz, Baby C is 1lb4oz, and according to my docs, that is exactly where they should be. In fact, their measurements are a little ahead – for a singleton. Huge sigh of relief.

Last week I took my glucose tolerance test. Not sure if I mentioned that or not? Or that my clinic has recently gone with a new protocol? Instead of a 1 hour at 5o (mg or g?) of glucose and then, if you fail that one (which most multiple mothers do), doing a 3 hour at 100 (mg or g?) of glucose. They’ve opted to do a 2 hour at 75 and if you pass that one, you’re done. And I passed. With flying colors.

And then the doc said that they might want me to repeat it later in the pregnancy. Which is fine but, in my mind, sort of negates the whole “we’re doing it this new way so you only have to do it once” reasoning. Apparently if you fail, you only do it once. Then again, it could be because they jumped the gun and had me do it so early (at 21 weeks, when the norm is between 24-28 weeks), which I don’t really get either. What I do know for sure is, they didn’t play it off like the results were great when they were actually borderline. I saw the range and the lab results. The max for passing was 155, and mine was 107. Whatever.

Docs are also very happy with my weight gain to date, but he did say I should expect to gain another 20-30lbs before the pregnancy is over. Considering that at least half of that should be from baby weight alone (see how I’m being positive and assuming they’ll be at least 4lbs each?), maybe it won’t be so hard.

Dr. V also sent me home with what seems to be an academic medical text about having triplets. He lent it to me. And I’m taking the fact that he lent it to me as a sign that he doesn’t think I’m an idiot because he can’t possibly think that just anybody could understand the contents of that book. Or that most people would take the time to even try and digest it. Is it arrogant that it makes me feel good that the doctors enjoy how well informed I am?

Anyway, there were some really interesting statistics in there (not that I’m finished, but…). Like the fact that studies have shown that in average triplet pregnancies, the babies growth rate doesn’t begin to slow (compared to that of singletons) until around the 27th or 28th week. Which makes total sense when you think about the fact that in a triplet pregnancy, your uterus is always 10-12 weeks ahead of a singleton. Which means your uterus has stretched about as much as can be expected somewhere around that time. I do love little tidbits like that. Sort of draws certain points on the map together if you know what I mean.

What else can I share? I keep thinking I should go find a blog that has those weekly forms where you just update the details, and copy and paste. But then I think…not sure that’s really me.

Furthermore, I feel I have a much better understanding now of other multiples bloggers, like Sonja. It used to worry me when she would go a week without posting, but now I know how hard it is at this point. To update regularly. Just to get your butt into the shower, or up a flight of stairs. To be physically unable to do simple things. And now I’m that much more amazed when people like her handle this so gracefully. Because honestly, I don’t think I am.

I always feel like I have to paint what I say with the same disclaimer: I love my babies. I want my babies. I’ll do whatever I can to keep them in as long as possible and have them born healthy. I would never go back and change anything. I have zero regrets. But anyone who would wish a multiples pregnancy upon themselves is naive.

It’s hard. Physically, this is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Psychologically it’s probably just as difficult. Not because I’m scared of having triplets or the surgery or any of that stuff (I’ve had so much time to worry and obsess over those things that I’ve gotten somewhat used to it; the stress is still there but somehow time, and being informed,  has made it more bearable). When your body is working so hard and you are functioning at a deficit for an extended period of time, it has to wear on you.

My body is tired all the time. Allthe time. I can’t sit up to read a book. I can’t walk or stand for more than 15 minutes. I throw up every day, and I spend most of my day nauseous. I have difficulty finding energy long enough to fix myself something to eat. To pick up after myself. I may not be on forced bedrest, but physically, I have very little choice. And at some point, laying there on your side, watching television for hours a day because you can’t do anything else, feeling helpless and handicapped…well, I just can’t imagine it not having some sort of mental drain as well.

It’s finite. It’s worth it. I wouldn’t undo it. And maybe I’m just weaker than a lot of other people. But, for me at least,  this is hard. Way harder than I could ever have imagined. And while I’m not going to come here every day and complain (let’s face it, I don’t have the energy for computer time most days anyhow), I’m not going to pretend like this is all sunshine and roses. I’m grateful, but I’m also worn thin. And I have a very, very long haul ahead of me.

The good news is, I’m still a fabulous gestator, despite my physical and emotional shortcomings. This means at this point, I’m suffering but the babies aren’t. And I’ll take that any day of the week.

As promised, nursery and belly pics. If you think you’ll be upset by the belly pics, know they will be the last two, and don’t feel bad if you have to pass over the post for the next one (which is highly likely to be pic free).

Nursery:

The two classic Pooh cribs, for Baby B and Baby A

Third crib, modern Pooh (couldn't find another Classic Pooh set, and PB LOVED this one) for Baby C

Corner shot of dresser and changing table

Corner shot of closet, bookcase and hamper

Belly pics: (22w exactly, taken a few hours ago)

Finally my belly is big enough that my arms don't look so fat! (ha!)

It's hard for me to believe I'm going to get bigger than this...MUCH bigger.

22 weeks today. I didn’t forget my promise to attemptto get a belly pic and some nursery pics up by the end of the week (ummm, that would be Sunday, right?).

I wish I could say every week was flying by, but…not so much. The vomitting is back in rare form. Yeah. Oh, and I’m not gaining weight anymore. Which concerns me. A lot. Fortunately, we have another appointment on Tuesday, and a) hopefully we’ll see that, as is often the case with women like me who throw up the whole pregnancy, the babies are no worse for the wear (just I am!), and/or b) the doc’s will be able to help me deal with it better.

PB has been getting really annoyed with me. Because I won’t call the doctor, and when I do call the doctor and they don’t call back quickly (I’m lucky to get a call back in 2 days, which I think is very unprofessional), I refuse to call and hound them. I don’t want to be that pregnant lady.

Which is hilarious because, of course, when many of you were pregnant and feeling the same way, I always commented saying “That’s what the doctors are there for” and/or “I guarantee most pregnant women call incessantly”. Plus I ask myself, which would be worse, feeling embarrassed because the doc’s said it was nothing and thought I was a hypochondriac or not calling and having something going horribly wrong that could have been prevented if only I’d made a damn phone call?

The answer to that question is quite obvious, yet I still struggle to pick up the phone. Trust me though, if there was pain or blood or leakage…I wouldn’t hesitate.

Anyway, 2 weeks to viability (knock on wood). Almost there, almost there, almost there. Wow.

I got a low dose scrip for Ambien and for the first time in at least 3 weeks, I slept. Of course, my eyes popped open at 8am, but the point is…I’ve got some relief for now. Ambien is a Class C and is contraindicated in late pregnancy (I’m assuming that means third trimester since it wasn’t clearly defined), so I won’t have it for long, but for now I can look forward to a good night’s rest, and that makes such a difference.

Have I mentioned the babies are moving a lot more these days? Holy cow! I feel like my womb is a boxing ring! It’s really hard to imagine how it’s going to feel a month from now and then 2 months from now. They’re probably around a pound each right now (maybe slightly less), and they already pack quite a wallop. And I’m feeling heads and feet when I palpate my ever growing tummy. In just a few more weeks, I’m certain PB will be able to feel it, and that it will be visible to the naked eye. That’s assuming he’ll actually feel them.

PB has been very funny about the whole belly thing. When he hugs me, he tilts his butt out so that no part of his body touches the belly. He doesn’t want to “squish” the babies. He gets very worried when I’m feeling around to see if I can get someone to move (out of my ribs, please!) or discern a body part when someone is clearly close to the “surface”. He keeps telling me that my belly is no longer my own and I should leave their “house” alone. After I told him he was being silly about a zillion times, his mom confirmed…but still, he doesn’t believe it. So now I have fun lowering myself over him when he’s on the couch (all my weight on my arms, mind you) and pressing my belly gently on him. He squirms and squeals and begs….”Don’t squish the babies, don’t squish the babies!”. You probably have to be here to appreciate it, but it cracks me up.

Can’t wait to see how he feels about handling them when they get here. I imagine, since they are likely to be really small at first, that he’ll be timid about it, and handle them very, very delicately, but over time, he’ll realize they are pretty darn durable. Still, it really is quite cute, my Eagle Scout, football playing husband reduced to a timid and helpless bundle of nervousness. Not something I’ll get to see much of in the future.

As for me, I’m one load (ok, maybe two) away from having all the baby stuff laundered. I’ve got some organizational stuff to pick up for their room, and their bathroom. And I’m going to hit the used bookstore one last time before I can’t go anymore. Then it’s time to sit around and gestate full-time, like a big, lazy beached whale (my husband is now calling me his “little beluga whale” – and yeah, I think it’s cute!).

Hope all is well with all of you!!