Several times, in various posts, I’ve talked about, or at least mentioned, people leaving the blogosphere after coming to a resolution with IF (be it bearing a child, adopting a child, living child-free, etc.). Although it made sense in my head, and really, who are we to judge, I still found it curious. I’ve wondered if I would still find myself blogging about my life, at least in this forum, on this subject, after we reach our IF resolution. Previously, I would have said…of course I’ll still be here! After all the wonderful friends I’ve made, all the support I’ve received, and the joy at being able to return that support? How could I walk away? Now, I’m not so sure.
All of a sudden, for a reason that fails to come to mind, I feel why some leave, never to return. There is, despite everything, a lot of joy to be found in the IF blogosphere. You find hope when you’re searching for it. Lots of it. Sometimes you find laughs. Sometimes understanding, which is so often wanting IRL. And it makes a difference. And it feels really wonderful to suppose that you might, in some small way, have helped someone else suffering through, surviving even, the same desperate, heartbreaking circumstances. So, it’s worth it. It is. But there is also a lot of pain.
Most of us are here because we hurt. Because we’re a little lost and a lot alone. We seek understanding, to fill the hole that grows inside of us, to find a way to bide the time during a great period of loss. We are angry, we are sad, we are lonely, we are lost, we are confused, we are heartbroken. All of us, whether we miscarry or not, are experiencing loss every single month that we don’t conceive. Some of us suffer a very tangible loss when the baby we dreamed of and worked so hard for finally comes to be and then is suddenly gone. And we all write about it. And it hurts. We hurt for ourselves and we hurt for each other. And some days, that hurt is more than some people can bear.
There are days when I feel good, and then I open my reader and I see pain and loss, and their hurt becomes my hurt, and that good feeling is gone. Some days it’s harder than others to push it away and get on with my merry day. It just seeps in and sort of takes you over. And, I admit, it is sometimes tiring. Emotionally exhausting is perhaps a better way to put it. And it’s hard not to think, maybe I’d feel better more often if I just didn’t participate anymore.
No. I’m not going anywhere. Not today. Not tomorrow. Probably not 6 months from now. I don’t know if I’ll still be here when we’re done family-building. I’ll know when I know, ya know? But I understand the desire to move on, and how maybe, staying here impedes the progress of that. Sometimes we have periods of our lives that we have to let go of completely in order to fully move on and enjoy our lives as they are. Is it selfish? Maybe. But, we have our own lives to live at the end of all of this, don’t we? And if we really care about those we’ve supported along the way, we’ll understand why they have to move on, be glad that they’ve found a way to do so, and reserve our judgment for people who were never there for us in the first place.
So, to those whom I care for, that I’ve read or still read, to those who have left or those who will eventually leave, I say thank you. You made a difference for me. You were there for me in a way that others have failed. And I appreciate it more than words could ever convey. I’ll miss you, but I understand. I’m glad that you find yourself at the end of this journey, able to move on. I hope that the rest of your life brings you great joy. Bon voyage! Have a wonderful life, my friend!
Hi! Happy ICLW! I actually started blogging AFTER my IF journey and I do it to support others. I don’t find it exhausting to read heart break after heart break…I give what I can and hope for the best for them. I know in time, it will be that much more rewarding when I do see them succeed. Hope you stop by!
I’ve been considering writing a post about this very topic. My plan has always been to stop blogging once I have a baby since I’m writing an IF blog and for some reason I just feel like once that chapter is closed then I’m writing about babies and well, in the IF world… is that appropriate? At the SAME time I enjoy reading blogs of people I’ve followed who are now parenting. It’s very cool. At the SAME time I also feel like IF blogs are all about momentum. It’s about a cycle. It’s about waiting for the results of the cycle. Trying again. Conceiving. Sometimes, God forbid, losing pregnancies. Trying again. getting pregnant. Waiting, and waiting and waiting. once you’re done you’re really not an IF blogger because you have *arrived*
Still- the thing is I don’t want to let go of my IF sisters. I plan to always follow your journeys, and I also want to follow the journeys of those who are parenting as well that I’ve followed from the start because we’re a unique bunch of moms. We’re not like other moms completely. We have a different perspective, ever so slight and I appreciate that. Like my parents are immigrants and I found I connected the most with other kids whose parents were immigrants because while we considered ourselves Americans, we also had this nuance of having parents who didn’t get things sturggled with language barriers etc, so we could relate to each other on a different level. Similar with parenting after IF I think its like that and I don’t want to lose touch for that reason.
My plan is to make a new website after the baby is born and send a private e-mail out to my bloggy friends letting them know what it is and blogging under my actual name, etc. So those who were reading along can continue to do so if they want to.
Hmm, this is long enough to be a blog post! LOL. Maybe one day I’ll come back and cut and paste this to my blog:)
i stayed because i still get support from my blogger friends and because i want to be there for the ones who are still on their ttc journey. i will also always identify as infertile even though i finally have my baby.
Great post, and you’re right – it’s like all friends. Some of them are there to help you through a particular time in your life, or because you identify with each other in a particular situation, and others are there for life. The ones who drift in and out of your life are as important as the ones who are there for ever, at the point in time when you need what that person has to offer and they need what you have to offer.
And nobody should feel bad about drifting apart or losing touch when life changes and you’re not in the same place any more – and each person gets busy with the different direction their life has taken.
As it is in the real world, so it must be in the blogosphere.
As usual, you get my point, my friend! Everyone has their own path to follow, and we shouldn’t begrudge them their right to move forward. Instead, we should happy for them, not sit in the background pissed because they aren’t there for us anymore.
I’m with you on wanting to stay in the blogosphere, wanting to stay involved with bloggy friends, and still identifying. Although I don’t know yet, I don’t imagine I’ll ever identify with the fertiles even if/when I end up with a baby. Still, like K, I might move to another site because I’ll be blogging more about the baby and parenting, and I probably wont’ write as often. If we end up child-free (sort of, no children together), I might disappear altogether, at least remove myself long enough to heal and move on. Who knows? But it’s hard to imagine not following some of you. No matter what, I think I’ll be reading even if I’m no longer writing. Only time will tell.
Yes to all of the above. We are very, very much on the same page.
It is a great thing to stay or become involved after your IF is “resolved”. Congrats on being able to do that! Still, I don’t think less of those who choose differently. And that was the real point of my post. It’s admirable to stay active in the community, but I don’t think it’s dishonorable to leave if you need to.
Occasionally I’ve read posts expressing anger and disappointment towards those who got what they wanted and left blogging, suggesting they had selfishly abandoned those who had supported them once they had “arrived” (as K put it). It happens I have a different perspective. And I think that we all have our shortcomings and bad moments during this journey, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t attempt to show compassion and be understanding whenever possible. In this case, I looked for understanding and I found it. I was hoping to share the sentiment. Holding onto anger doesn’t really help us in the long run. Pointing the fingers at those who have moved on is a negative displacement of that anger, and perhaps we should think twice before doing it. After all, they gave us a lot while they were here. That doesn’t all disappear just because they’ve decided to bow out. A good friend would think of them and be glad that they’ve found the strength to move on and find some peace.